Lost.

It’s days like these where I’ve got no idea what to write. But I still write anyway, because everyday when I go home I think to myself what have I done today.

Eat.
Sleep.
Play, and repeat.

For the longest time I’ve been thinking what am I going to do with my life. I’m reaching the crossroad point of my life where decisions really would impact my future.

Do I really want to do business? – I’ve thought about that since Polytechnic and even completed a course on Business Administration. But it’s not exactly something that’s challenging to me. It’s really like being tied down with an anchor to your leg where I won’t be able to do the things I’ve aspired to do. In these two years of military service, I’ve found my passion which is photography. I’m a creative artist and I love to experiment with new things and discover the unexpected. Travelling also makes my heart pound with adrenaline rushing to my head when I throw myself into a foreign country. However these dreams do cost a lot and I need money, so the only jobs that I could pursue in relation to these dreams are either full-time photography or being an air steward.

Taking these into consideration, it’s also not easy doing those jobs too. Firstly the industry is a really harsh community where entry isn’t something easy. You’ve got to go through interviews and gruelling training. That I can accept, but its the uncertainty of job security that scares me.

“What if’s”
This is something that really makes me worried most of the time. It’s also something that drives me to go for it, but a moment of hesitation may mean your downfall. It’s like cliff-jumping, a deep dive down into an oblivion where you’ve got no idea how deep is it. As you run towards the edge, your feet turns cold and your calves turn jelly. Your heart pounds twice as fast and next thing you realise you’re steps away from death. You still take the jump and then you pray.

“What if I jumped wrongly?”
“Am I going to make it?”
“Holy Crap, I’m falling!”
.
.
“What if I die?”

 

Dreams are made in evenings when you feel inspired from a day’s work. Or the things that made you regret decisions you made while you were still confused on what to do with life. I keep telling myself that I’ll be motivated to do something new, a change in my life and start right now.
Then I procrastinate.

A new day starts and you forget about the things you’ve set out to do.

Good Bye.

A story I’m writing for myself, a reminder to tell myself to believe and stop being delusional.

She’s gone and it’s really time to move on. I’ve been brooding over it since the past 6 months since we last saw each other and I’ve lost count of the days of when it’s been. They were good memories, no they were great memories. I’ve had a family I’ll never have, someone who loved me for being the way I was. Nothing more, nothing less, we were on the top of the world while we had times together.

Now the sands of time has stopped and every night I ask myself this question. Was it a right decision to stop? Some say I’m selfish – I did it to protect myself, other’s say I’m selfless, I did it so we won’t end up being even more hurt. But in the end the outcome was both of us had a knife stabbed right across our chest. Yes, both of us.

Please J, don’t be that idiotic lovestruck fool on your next relationship, nor that bastard that was insensitive towards the smallest comments that she make. It’s time to move on, and leave those bad habits behind. It’s really about time.

Now I’m still finding myself, up till this day, this page’s tagline has always been the same. The topics I’ve been writing too, it’s the same – “Find Yourself”. I’ve travelled a couple of times, but each time I travel, I could never agree more that I’m feeling more and more alone. It was like I was falling into a bottomless pit, avoiding the troubles from the world by swimming into the oblivion. Of course, the are happy moments but it’s always the silence that kills you. Memories and the past starts to come up and you remember. I remember.

Honestly, I’m a wreck. I don’t deny it at all and I can see it for myself. I’m putting up a smile where everyone can see and when I’m back home I peel that mask off and all I can see is sorrow and emptiness in those eyes. I need a life back, and I think it’s bout time I left what happened in 2016 behind. I’m not going to make any progress at this rate if I continue like this. It’s as though I’m a self-destructing time bomb, about to go off anytime soon.

So here we go, a new year a new start. It’s been stagnant for me now still, mainly because army is in the way so i can’t start anything new but first thing is first, I gotta start earning money. I really have to stop those spending habits of mine and save up. I’m the kind of person that always thinks he can earn more money so I can spend more, but the actual problem is that I’m always spending – I’ll never earn enough at that rate. So that’s the first step I’m going to take if I want to get anywhere further in life. Please do yourself a favour J and save yourself, literally.

Okay enough of that random chit-chat, it’s 2.16am in the morning now and I’m heading back to bed. But here’s a song I’ve just listened to on Spotify and it kinda resonated within me (I tend to get very emotional when it comes to listening songs)

The only way to mend yourself from a heartbreak is to love again, from a song sung by Christopher, “Call Your Girlfriend”. Go check it out

Till next time,

-jae

Liking Her

It’s been on my mind for awhile so I guess I’ll just pen this down to get it off my mind. In our lives, we’ll see many of the ones we love, and are going to love. It’s amazing how chemistry can just spark off within the first meeting after having a cup of coffee. I’ll have a nice conversation with you, you’ll get nice vibes from me and we make out. Just kidding, it’s not that fast but you get the picture; there’ll be butterflies in our stomaches and we’ll get cold feet whenever we see each other. Our heart beats faster and we fall in love.

Sometimes it’s also not that easy as it seems in the movies. I see this amazing girl that’s perfect for me; She likes the things that I do, we have common interests and whenever we strike a conversation, we can’t seem to stop or put our phone down until one of us has to sleep. I get close to her and develop feelings only then to find out shit. Shit happens.

She’s attached.

Damn, now I’ve got to untangle myself from this mess and start over. Or perhaps I could just wait it out, praying for that undeserving guy breaks up with her and maybe I’ll have a chance with her. (okay guys I’m just kidding about this, I’m actually not that mean so I usually go with Option 1 first) It’s really bad for the heart to tear yourself from her once you’ve developed feelings. My heart isn’t a rubber band and I know it, I’d say its more like a porcelain vase; once it’s broken it’s really hard to fix it again and you never know whether it’ll be same…

Now then comes another point of life where I’m in. I’m heartbroken and it’s time to move on but somehow I just can’t. It feels like I’ve got a piece of me missing inside and only time can heal such things. Then she comes along and I realise I’m in a fix. I become confused with my feelings and it’s an emotional time-bomb. Both of us are going to get hurt and I run before anything bad happens. Then she hates you for that and I realise I’m in a bigger mess than before. Doesn’t this sound like a Korean drama? I think I’ve been watching too many films lately haha..

It’s a mind-boggling routine of chess. I’ll play guess and she’ll drop hints along the way. I’m not sure if I should chase her or should I play hard to get. Seem too eager and she’ll walk away, thinking you’re a creep. Wait too long and someone swoops in and snatches her away before you can make a move. Gosh, why can’t this me

But anyway, I’m still wondering when will the right one come, and I pray that when that day comes, all goes well 🙂

till next time,

– jae

 

Pitter, Patter.

It’s raining again.

I think whenever it rains,

I think a lot.

about life, about what I’m going to do tomorrow.

what am I going to do with my life?

every day, every hour; I don’t want to waste a single drop of life I have in this life-time.

an yet, here I am staring at the windows, listening to the raindrops splatter.

Pitter, patter, pitter, patter

what am I doing with my life really?

I know I’m meant for something greater but yet here I am, dreaming.

what if someone told you that today was the last day of your life.

would you regret what you’ve done so far?

or would you regret not doing the things you’ve always wanted to do?

be it breaking your friend’s heart, to saying “I love you,” to your lifelong crush.

what if…

Pitter, Patter.

a splash of raindrop from the sky.

a journey starting from the greatest heights it’s ever been.

free-falling down at terminal velocity.

all the way till it hits the ground, does it’s journey end there?

No.

the drop flows down rivers and lakes, guided by currents and terrains.

lonely waters, won’t you let us wander?

you venture the lands and cross the seas.

until one day, the skies shine upon you and you realise,

your journey starts again.

you rise again.

back to square one.

wait for the right moment, for your time will come.

patience is virtue.

chances come and go but all you need is patience.

for the time will come when it’s meant to.

it’s time.

Pitter patter.

the rain has stopped.

it’s time to head out and play.

jae.

Trust.

Tuesday 190716

Today I’m writing again, cause lately there’s been so much drama around that I really need to pen my thoughts out. I thought helping people was a good thing, i mean how can helping someone be a bad thing right? So I did. Until your friends actually decide to screw things up for you when they see that things are going a little too well for you and chooses to fuck things up.

Shit just got real right there and it was one of the first times that I’ve actually seen such evil before me. I never knew this could upset me so much, but i mean if you actually saw your friend get crushed like that, it’s really a sight you wouldn’t want to get caught in.

Friends, they’re a special species that could hold memories so dear to your heart – there’s nothing more upsetting than looking at someone you trust point the gun at you; betraying your trust and ripping your heart apart.

It really sucks to be see how this world has been torn apart by jealousy and malice. It’s hard enough to climb the ladder alone, and when someone is there to help you, who knows who would be the one to kick the stilts and let you fall to your death while you’re at it. I did it on my own, learning stuff and experiencing the world out there on my own, and it was really tough. Sometimes I really wish I had a bigger brother to guide me through things, but unfortunately I’ve got none, so I’m on my own.

Note to self – Don’t be the guy who wrecks people’s dreams, dreams aren’t meant to be broken, they’re supposed to be there for you so you can achieve something. Be that someone who helps them to improve, bring them closer to their goals and soar to greater heights, together.

The last thing I would want to see is to see a burning passion die out, extinguished by tears of regret and despair – regrets of thinking to even give a try. Seriously tho, don’t be that guy who fucks things up for people, it really ain’t cool that way.

jae.

Troubles

Dear Diary,

Today I’ve picked up my pen once again.  Usually, there are various reasons to which why I’m writing; when I’m happy, inspired, nervous & etc.

But today I’m writing because I’m upset.

I’m a wandering child ever since I’m borned to this world. I knew that since the age of 16 as wanderlust became part of my soul. I really love to take pictures and travel, couldn’t really get sick of that really.  Now a phase of life is about to move to the next,  and that is furthuring my eduxation – University. It has always been my dream to go overseas to study,  experience and explore how foreign lands are like. However I’ve got 2 problems before I can start on all that dream.

1. Am I good enough for what I think I’m capable of?
I brushed off this question without much thought when I’m 16. I had confidence and thought that with hard work and practice, I can land myself somewhere. But 5 years later, where I’m standing now, I’m beginning to doubt myself. Doubt myself not because I’m lazy, but rather there are so many much more talented people out there. It’s going to be really tough standing amongst the skyscrapers when I’m starting on a fresh new paper venturing to media.

2. Parents.
My parents won’t let me. Its pretty much a dead-end to be honest; Mum’s clutching me so tight and not wanting to let me go,  Dad says yes and decided maybe next time *which prolly wouldn’t happen. Gosh..

There has to be a way right? Being who I am,  and always been,  giving up isn’t something I’m good at if I really want something.

I’ll figure things out.

A story of how dreams were killed.

They said don’t be rash,
They said the world’s too big for you.
They said, maybe next time.

They told me, I wasn’t ready.
They told me, I couldn’t possibly survive.
They told me, maybe next time.

So I thought to myself.

Maybe I should listen.
Maybe what they said was true.

Maybe next time.

When we were still young.

Life was full of fun.

Without a need to worry about the future,

Just focus on the present.

Enjoying the moment,

was all that we cared about.

Dancing in the streets,

Laughing around as we pranced in the pouring rain.

What happened to those times?

Where frowns didn’t have to wrinkle on our faces,

Along with the zeroes on our paychecks;

to say how successful we are.

I miss those times;

The times where we were young.

 

 

déjà vu.

27.02.16

Woke up on a Saturday Afternoon,

Thinking to myself what to do.

Body clock’s all messed up.

But a good sunny day like today was too unbearable to miss.

So I thought maybe it’ll be a good idea to shoot.

Now that I’ve let my camera aside for so long.

Grabbing my essentials and Sony along, I went into the scorching world outside.

I went into the scorching world outside.

I was late, as usual.

My usual routine for shoots,

Were to walk aimlessly around.

Probably more advisable to do amongst some friends,

To make things more lively.

It was fun,

Until you start to realise something’s amiss.

Your friend got into trouble,

It’s not your problem.

But suddenly you realise,

What if you were him,

And that happened to you before?

Déjà vu.

 

Lost.

There was a time.

When you thought you knew it all.

A place you’ve been so comfortable in.

Suddenly crumble and tumble into a nightmare,

and the world collapses onto you.

Like a piece of shattered glass.

Salvage the broken pieces,

only to realise that they’re just rubble and dust.

Hopes sunk like an anchored ship,

just know that a voice’s reaching to you.

Nothing’s going to work.

Soul engulfed by the flames of darkness,

There I was.

Lost.